During many dark nights of my soul so far this year, I found myself staring into the abyss.
I have peered in before, never lingering long, passing curiosity and fear of damnation moving me onward swiftly, before gravity could pull me in.
This time, I sat down on the rim of the well of darkness, next to my demons, some old friends and some new, and we had a chat. What on earth was the point of it all? My vision was blocked. Stifled by suffering, suffering, suffering. The very pain of life, of living, of being pulled out of thin air and birthed into a broken world for reasons far beyond my grasp and the pain of that … was all consuming. I could not see my worth. I could not see the light. I could not see the point. I could not even see the red embers of my ever present rage, for the spark had gone out. What could I, so insignificant and small, offer to the world?
I did quiet battle with this thought for several weeks. I could not grasp what I brought to the table to my friends, my family, my love. I was not compelled to push myself off the rim, but content to sit there and ponder the mysteries of life.
One day, as I was dusting off and tidying the space around me, for that is always where the solutions lie to quiet the turmoil of my heart and mind, the answer to my mournful inquiry to the universe presented itself.
What could I offer to the world? What subject do I know anything about? What is my gift? My grace, if you will.
The answer was the most blindingly obvious thing in the world. The Horses.
Despite my completion of the Touched by a Horse cert program, despite my completion of 6 years of Equine Training, Industry, & Management, plus ongoing study and blossoming career in horse training and equine gestalt coaching, the answer to my souls quest had escaped me until that bright flash of the obvious skittered across my brain.
My gift to offer the world, is being a conduit for the horses, to create a better world for them by connecting them to the humans that care for, love, and admire them.
With this newly kindled fire to light my way, I stepped back from the abyss and said farewell for now to my spectral friends, and got to work.
The wheels began to turn, and just as quickly they began to fall off
To be continued …