The End of the Road

This is not a post on horses or horsemanship. This is a personal post, a public confession, a purging of my mind. I hope you, dear friends & followers, don’t mind.
Sometimes the truth hurts.
One of my greatest fears is dependency. Dependency is an affront to my number one value of freedom.
Yet I have found myself neck deep in a dependent relationship.
This knowledge has been simmering insidiously in the back of my mind, and in the mind of my beloved for not an insignificant amount of time. Time enough to leave a stain on our relationship.
But I, lazy, comfortable, and complacent, have turned a blind eye.
The ugly truth rises up before me from the ether.
I have always been here.
This is the path I was shown. This is the path I have chosen, albeit subconsciously, to walk.
My deep value of freedom placated and laid low by my value of stability and comfort.
Meanwhile, the foundation has been quietly crumbling beneath my feet.

The reality check was delivered by my beloved with a firm but loving blow to my ego. I love him all the more for it. He’s been kind, generous, and very very patient waiting quietly for me to step up.
Gently nudging me from time to time. I know I’ve taken his patience for granted. I’ve been asleep at the wheel. He is hurting and he is tired from carrying us both for so long.

I finally, finally, woke up.
I found myself filled with shame, disgust, and a good deal of self loathing. How have I allowed this to go on for so long? This is not the person I want to be. This is not the relationship I want to have.
It is anathema to my soul.

So I crawled inside myself, filled with anguish, remorse, anger, and I wept on the bathroom floor, like a child.
I grieved the loss of trust between he and I, the damage done to our relationship, the loss of myself amidst years of co-dependency not just with my most beloved man, but as a theme throughout my life. I grieved.
I raged against myself for stepping into a role that I loathe with every fiber of my being.
And then I rose, a woman; determined to step into the next chapter of my life.

I apologized to my love.
I will continue to make amends with my actions, because my words have lost their meaning.

On the cusp of 30 years old, it is time to grow up. It is time to be a functional, self sufficient adult, in a loving relationship. One of interdependence and not co-dependence.

This concept of independence I have preached for years to the women in my life. A concept I was told repeatedly throughout my childhood; but as I have learned, words mean nothing if the actions behind the words tell a different story.

It’s time to practice what I’ve preached.
I’m ready to grow up & I know I have the tools to get there.

As always, thank you for joining me on this journey. If this speaks to you in anyway, please feel free to reach out, leave a comment, shoot me an e-mail. I’m here to listen as we all grow together.

And a special thank you to My Heart, for doing life with me, for not giving up, even when it gets rocky.

–

Coach Amanda