Posted on November 19, 2021
Staying. It’s never been my M.O.
From the time I could drive, the open road and this wide wide world has called my name. Solo road trips and mountain getaways, were my greatest source of freedom and joy, second only to the horses.
There are people in my sphere today who might be surprised by my inner Nomad, she’s been quieted by my inner student, my inner housewife, my inner worker bee. She’s been in the backseat but she has always been there, and the time has come once more, to release her.
In a few short weeks, my beloved and I embark on the trip of a lifetime. We will begin in Italy, with a home base there to lay our heads and night, and then we adventure and roam wherever our souls desire for a not exactly predetermined amount of time.
Certainly, I have some nerves around the unknown, but I am a Gestaltist. I am well trained on the importance of living in the present, staying in the moment, for the moment is all we have.
To get me through the days leading up to our departure, I remain present. I appreciate those around me. I enjoy the familiar, the comfort of my home and my bed, of veganized American comfort food, and mundane, mind-numbing television.
I know the importance of letting go of things no longer meant for me, and I wish them well on their own journey. I keep gratitude and love in my heart for the things, and the people, carefully selected, who will stay.
My Inner Nomad, as she stands in the present she looks to the horizon, to the adventure stretched out before her, I can feel her heart swell, for her joy is my joy. Her deep inner calling for wild places, for the freedom of travel, is my calling.
She always thought she’d do it alone, live on the open road, travel from place to place, following her inner compass, but we know better now. She and I, we travel with our soul mate, who’s inner nomad has also been ever present, but pushed to the background.
It is a true gift, to find someone who knows your soul, and is willing to risk everything to fulfill each others dreams. I hope you’ll join us on our journey.
I’ll be doing some spiritual exploration surrounding horse training, digging through the muck, to discover whether I want to stay in the industry and try to effect change, or leave it all together.
Make no mistake, I’ll be seeking out the horses wherever our travels take us.
We also, my beloved and I, seek to discover who we are as individuals without the ties of who we’ve been, he in IT and myself in the Equine field. The journey should be interesting, enlightening, and maybe even inspirational to your inner nomad.
May the road rise up to meet you, traveler.
Posted on July 2, 2021
Asking for help is hard. Accepting help leaves you feeling guilty. You’ve always been a do it yourself-er and a go-getter. You don’t want to burden anyone with something that you are able to do on your own – even at a cost. You bear your own burden quietly but your eyes are shimmering with the unasked question. Your lips are bloody from biting back what needs to be said. Let go of your pride.
As you deprive yourself of the help you know you need, you deprive others from the opportunity to assist you! Allow those who love you to show you they care, because they have offered! How sad for them and how sad for you that their compassion was met by the stone wall of your ego and fell flat.
It’s time. If only just for today, allow yourself to soften.
The tree that survives the storm bends, so that it does not break. Sink into the warmth being offered to you and bask in it. Guilt has no place in your heart today. Today you release what needs to be done, into the hands of someone else, so that you may rest.
Posted on December 17, 2020
As we near the end of 2020, with less than 15 days until the new year, I find myself compelled to look back over the past 12 months. It’s been a strange ride. Everyone has had more than their fair share of negativity about all manner of things, so I’m choosing to look at and focus on what this year brought me, rather than what its taken.
2020 was supposed to be my “Year of Yes!” that was the intention I set for myself in January. Saying yes to as many things as possible, though it really didn’t turn out that way. Instead it became a year of learning.
What a gift that has been.
In early spring, I (we all) had to learn how to navigate the world of Zoom and I had to learn how to get over fear of “public speaking” in the Zoom format. I still find this an awkward way of communicating, but I found my voice over time as I was forced to speak up in board meetings and chose to speak up in class calls and zoom meetings with friends and teachers. A growing moment.
In the summer, I tried my hand at gardening, something I’d wanted to be good at for my whole life but had convinced myself I had a brown thumb. With a mindset shift and a hardy succulent plant, I started small, and with encouragement & a gift from my beloved, a brand new outdoor veggie plot, I succeeded in growing a few zucchini squash, a watermelon, and I kept a flower alive for 2 years! (I got my flower plant from my mom in 2019) Until this October when it was overrun by small flies that I couldn’t get rid of.
I discovered that without a proper horse, gardening wasn’t the treat that I’d hoped it would be, but with the proper equipment (perhaps a watering can?) I may try my hand at it again this coming summer.
I took up a pencil and paper in the fall, and decided I would see what artistic genes may have been passed down to me, as both my maternal and paternal sides are/were artistic and creative, and I discovered, though my talent is not yet refined in any way, and many of my attempts are childlike, drawing has become an activity that I find immensely soothing, and it keeps me engaged and away from social media. I’ve focused my attempts almost exclusively on learning to draw horses, but a secret line drawing of my Honey while he was playing a video game turned out better than I could’ve hoped!
Perhaps most importantly to me, was undertaking riding lessons.
I pondered my options for the better part of the year as it became clear that my fears of riding still had a hold of me and I had to do something to help myself or my training career was going to go down the tubes.
I looked into western and bareback trainers but never committed. Then one day I was compelled, as I was walking past her, to circle back to Tanya, the riding instructor where I board, who I have known for 15 years, and ask her about lessons.
Something I’d never before considered, something I had zero interest in, until that moment in time.
We set up a session for the very next week and I have been enthralled ever since. She kicked my ass that first day, when on my very first lesson she asked me to post. I hadn’t been expecting that at all, I was expecting to ease into it, maybe after a lesson or two. I should have known better!
Even so, and hour later, as I dismounted the gentle giant Thoroughbred, Clyde, and cowboy-style bowlegged walked him back to his stall, every muscle in my body aching, and the two-day sore than came after, in spite of it all, I was absolutely hooked.
Learning to ride a different style, filling the holes in my own training/riding, gaining a more secure seat, and pushing myself outside my comfort zone (Ride over those trotting poles with no reins and my arms out to the sides like a bird, what?! Okay here we go!) It has all become the best part of my week, and I’d venture to say, the best part of my year.
It’s been a strange year. I have gained much. I’ve stretched and grown, and had ups and downs. I’ve faced fears head on. I’ve had fun. I’ve learned. It wasn’t so much a year of “saying yes”, but instead, a year of saying Yes!
“There is no end to education. It is not that you read a book, pass an examination, and finish with education. The whole of life, from the moment you are born to the moment you die, is a process of learning.”
– Jiddu Krishnamurti
Posted on September 27, 2020
I am so sorry that you knew fear at such a tender age. I am sorry that you woke up alone, with nobody there to comfort you from your nightmares. It isn’t right, that the wants of adults were put before the needs of your little soul. It isn’t right that you were left wondering where everyone had gone.
It isn’t right that today you stand as a woman, wondering what it is that you had done wrong. It isn’t right that today you stand as a woman, waiting for the next person to leave, believing that you drive them away, that you are not enough to make anyone stay.
I am sorry that your fear grips you so tightly you can neither let go of or hold on to those around you and you can’t trust the word of those who say they love you.
I’m sorry that displays of affection give rise to suspicions and someone’s word given means nothing, because the actions of your guardians proved all the words wrong.
I’m sorry for all the deceptions and heartbreaks you have endured, for the strict when you deserved the soft.
I am sorry that you haven’t yet heard the apology from the one you needed the most. My greatest hope is that someday it comes to you in the form you can receive it best.
Take heart, little one, you are not alone out there. I see you.
With deep love from,
The Heart of a Mare
Category: Dear Heart Tagged: abandonment, daughters, empowerment, equine, Equine Gestalt Coaching, Gestalt, girls and horses, horses as healers, inner child, inner child work, letters, life coaching, love, love letters, mothers, mothers and daughters, Self Care, self esteem, self image, self love, shadow work, women and horses
Posted on September 15, 2020
I’m always looking for new ways to engage with Snickers because he & I just don’t click. Riding him feels like a chore for both of us because he has so little forward inclination. In an effort to connect with him, I started looking for creative ways to play.
Using body language and verbal questions as a guide, we played with the cones. We have never done this before. I saw the wheels turning for him as he puzzled out what I was asking him to do and why. Staying creative is an important part of any horse-human relationship.
Snickers is not in training with me, he belongs to a friend who graciously lends Snickers to me as one of my Equine Gestalt Coaching partners.
If Snickers speaks to your heart, you can meet him by scheduling a private EGC Session with us!
Text 303-598-6413 to book your session