Posted on October 21, 2021
Posted on June 4, 2021
Sitting at my laptop today, trying to find the motivation to lift a finger to do anything while the siren song of the couch and surrendering to sleep tugs at me.
There’s a numbness inside me that I can both feel and hear, a soft buzzing sound that’s fuzzy and slightly around my eyeballs. Everything about me feels quiet and pensive, and being even slightly social saps what little energy I have.
I have no concrete reason for feeling this way today but I’m choosing to honor it instead of forcing myself to ignore it and clean the house or go anywhere out of misplaced guilt that belongs to me and me alone. Do you have guilt when you take care of yourself?
Who is putting that pressure on you? For me, it’s projected from my childhood onto my present. It’s society telling me that I’m being lazy and I’m missing out on something.
Lately, I’ve seen a lot of posts, memes and pictures saying self-care is about being
“selfish” and taking a day to yourself.
Let’s do away with that word “Selfish” in relation to caring for ourselves. It is not selfish to care for others so why should it be labeled such when we care for our own precious bodies and souls?
I know for me, this waning feeling will pass and like the moon, once the darkness passes I will begin to regain my spirit and become full, only to repeat the cycle.
As I’ve gotten older I realize that’s just the way of things, I’m learning not to fight it.
What is one thing you will do today to care for yourself? How will you commit to honoring and listening to yourself today and in the coming week?
I’m going to take a nap and then spend some quality time with my beloved, sans technology. ❤
Take care ❤
Posted on April 21, 2021
As I’m sitting here typing this, I am actively avoiding two of my crutches.
The TV and it’s enchantments pull at me to come sit on the couch and binge watch some mind-numbing, soul numbing, streamed in, curated just for me, content. Guaranteed to make sure I don’t have time to think any uncomfortable or unsettling thinks, or do anything productive.
My other crutch is more stealthy because it comes disguised as productivity. House Tidying.
I have a tendency to clean when I am angry, upset, anxious, or avoiding things. Things like marketing my business, for instance. Sometimes, the act of cleaning is therapeutic and for sure is a necessity, but I catch myself more often using it as an excuse to avoid the thing I should actually be doing.
These two things can even be combined to create a big, fat distraction, ensuring I get nothing actually done.
Why am I telling you this? Because blogging is something I have been actively avoiding, while cleaning and TV have led me astray with their sultry siren song. Also because I was challenged to figure out what my crutches are. The very first things that come to mind. The thing that you find yourself making excuses for.
For you, maybe it’s wine, whiskey, laser tag, social media, weed, shopping. I don’t have to tell you because you already know. It’s tickling the back of your brain right now, rattling the chain that’s looped around your self control, holding it captive. Wine & whiskey certainly have their place on my list of vices, but I don’t turn to them the way I turn to TV & tidying.
Why are we looking at crutches today? Because they no longer work for me (us?)!
Bringing awareness to the problem is the first step.
I see you, clutter & entertainment, you have no power over me!
This dysfunctional relationship no longer works for me because you suck hours of time out of my life & kill my productivity. There is a time & a place and you’re taking up too much of both.
There are uncomfortable feelings and thoughts I need to confront without my brain numbing out on me. Also, I want to be a committed blogger! I’m so sorry, but we have to break up.
We can still be friends. Maybe more like work friends – we see each other for allotted periods of time and then go our separate ways. Thanks for understanding.
This week I’m committed to tidying my home in the mornings before, during, and after coffee (another vice, currently unwilling to give it up) and before work (not a vice or a crutch).
TV will be limited to two hours or less per evening, giving me time for a good movie or show to wind down for the night. The point is making realistic goals that I can stick to, and not self sabotage!
What are your crutches? What baby steps can you take this week to move away from them?
Would love to hear in the comments or you can join me on Instagram.
Posted on January 6, 2021
Loss as a fact of life, was imprinted upon my subconscious in the tender third year of my life, with the death of my biological father. Though at the time the magnitude was lost on me, it ultimately shaped my perception of life and death, and the fragility of it all.
Lightening struck again when I was 15, when a tragic accident stole away one of the kindest souls I’d ever encountered. Austin, my black bird, my sweet first love. His ghost haunted me, and all those who love him, for years and years. His death rocked my world, it broke something in me that took a very long time to heal.
The one photograph I have that is mine and mine alone, is a touchstone to a moment in time, to a joyful summer day. It reminds me of other days we spent together, with friends, but of those I have only memories, no pictures, not of him.
On the very day of his passing, from beyond the veil Austin sent me my baby boy, Boomer.
Of Boomer, I have countless photos to look back on and remind me of all the joy he brought my family and I.
I also look back at some of those photos and know we held on to him too long, but never could he ever have doubted that he was loved beyond words.
With his death in 2016, my heart was broken anew.
My grief was such that I couldn’t even speak about it.
My first ever piece of Gestalt work inside the TBAH program, was around the trauma of Boomer’s death and losing him. I remember being wracked with sobs coming from some place so buried within me I couldn’t breathe. The coaching horse present was reluctant to even come into the circle of deep grief laid out before her.
After I processed, I was suddenly able to talk about him again without being rendered speechless by the pain of his loss. This was a gift. Having known this sweet boy, to share his memory, was a gift.
In-between, there have been losses of relatives, departures of friends,
the life altering move home by my best friend. I thankfully have many photos held dear to my heart of the adventures she and I had over the years
Most recently, the lightening struck the hearts of two of my dearest friends, their families, and myself.
The loss of our beloved Sapphire. The Soul Pony of my most tender hearted of friends. As I’ve witnessed and felt her heart wrenching grief, the poignancy, the importance of photos, has been at the forefront of my mind.
We took a lot of photos of Sapphire, of he and his girl together, of all of us enjoying his very large, very special presence.
I wish we had taken more. I wish we had a photo for every day, had captured every possible moment up until his brave soul stepped beyond the veil.
Because I was touched by loss at such an early age, the delicate nature of life has never ever been lost on me.
The fact that in a moment, in the blink of an eye, someone can be gone from our arms forever … that knowledge has spurred within me a deep love for photographs, for the touchstone to transport us back to those moments and memories, because one day we look up, and it’s all that’s left behind.
Photos are not there to live in at the expense of our present moments, they’re not meant to replace those living, breathing souls who love us, who are with us in the here and now, but rather to serve as a reminder of who we were, to remember the love we shared, and to guide us back to ourselves when we are lost.
Since Sapphire’s passing, I’ve made it a priority with my clients and with my own beloveds, to take at least one picture a session, to capture the moments that will someday be memories.
“Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.”The Wonder Years
Category: Life & Musings, Relationships and Healing Tagged: 2008, Austin Freeman Ayers, dearly beloved, death of a loved one, Equine Gestalt Coaching, equine therapy, Gestalt, gestalt therapy, grief, holidays, horses, horses heal, hour a day, I carry your heart, life and death, loss, loss and grief, love, loved ones, memories, photographs, photography heals, pictures, the otherside, the rainbow bridge, the veil, therapy, writers, writing, writing as therapy
Posted on May 29, 2019
I understand the pain of this garden you find yourself in, and I promise you there is magic on the other side.
This pain, is absolutely necessary. There are going to be many doors that will open and you are going to walk through most of them as you find your way. You will find yourself every place you don’t belong until finally, you will find your true home.
You will fall in lust, in like, in hate, and in love with many souls. You will try to re-create the garden you escape from and you will find yourself desperately unhappy and you will always run. You never, ever settle and the path you choose in the end is the right one.
You will find yourself filled with exquisite rage that does not belong to you, but is part of you none the less. There is beauty even there, as you will learn to harness that righteous anger and become a healer.
Always remember, that your sacred heart and the best parts of you are found within the horses and the wolves. This is where your strength is. Remember that it’s okay to be the one who loves the most and that your tenderness is a gift. Your softness is not a weakness. From there, you will grow into your best self.
There are days when you find yourself searching for the Tree of Knowledge; look for it in blue eyes and jack daniels. Allow yourself to love this one. He saves you from yourself more times than you can count but never tries to tame your wild heart. You will never posess each other and there is immense beauty and freedom in this love. It wounds initially, but also heals. He is darkness, but without him, you wont find the light.
In this moment, I can offer you this one single hope; you’ll have no regrets.
May you always remember the sheer beauty you are, and may you grow to be a light for others in darkness. I assure you, you are on the right path.
Trust yourself, Trust the Process.
The light at the end of this tunnel is dazzling and he loves you, daughter of the wild earth, with a fierceness and warmth unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. This pain is absolutely necessary; and then there is love.
An Elder Priestess
Category: Creative Writing, Gestalt, Relationships and Healing Tagged: Authentic Love, Coaching, EGCM, Equine Gestalt Coaching, Gestalt, happiness, healing, horses, Letter to Self, love, memories, Read Good Books, Relationship Coach, relationships, Ritual, Self Care, The Holy Wild, The Red Road, Trust the Process, Unicorns, Witch, writing, Younger Self